Sunday, March 29, 2009

Killing a Thesaurus

The following poem is not authored by me. I post it for some laughs and dedicate it to every writer. It is on my favorite poems list. It was written by Sweet Insanity. Enjoy!!

(note: contains some 'language' )

Killing a Thesaurus
by Sweet Insanity

Specks of red appeared on the leather cover
as I beat it repeatedly against a wall.
Turning on the oven to its highest possible temperature,
I did not wait for it to become fully heated
before I wrenched the door open,
threw it inside,
just to watch it burn, burn, burn.
“Die, you fucking word nazi!
Fucking die die die die die die die!!!”
My teeth grinding into one another.
Sallow is a stupid, pitiful word,
couldn’t I just say yellow instead?
The covers parted like two full, ugly lips,
bellowing “NO!” in response.
Too confident for its own good,
I knew then that I would have to kill it.
It didn’t see the hammer before I screamed,
“Goddamn know-it-all. Burn in hell you bastard!”
It made a hollow sound
as I beat it ruthlessly.
By the time I emerged from the kitchen
with a chainsaw,
it was too helpless to defend itself.
Five hours of diligent battle
until there it lay,
spilling out the last red
of its annoying, maddening, gigantic vocabulary.
I bent down, whispering to it,
“I win. I win you son of a bitch.”

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


I cannot find words to write
Disorientation in my mind
One side says yes and then says no.
I grasp for truth with substance

How can I believe me
How can I believe you
When the substance seems but vapor?
After so many lies it's hard for the heart to trust

But trust I must
Or else my heart will crater
My life's substance will dissipate.
For without trust, what else can I hold onto

june 11, 2007

June 2007. I had recently experienced triggering relationships/experiences with a certain group of people with whom I had initially turned to for help shortly after exiting The Way. Yet, within those relationships I found myself in the midst of events experiencing similar tactics I thought I had left behind in The Way. In addition to that turmoil, my personal spiritual beliefs were taking me in an unchartered direction; the truth I had clung to for so long had lost its certainty. I was confused, afraid, filled (again) with self-doubt and not sure who or what to trust.

2004- 2005. The year before I exited The Way in October, 2005, my heart was an vast, empty hole. To no avail, I continually tried to fill the void. I wanted to break the religious shackles, but was afraid. By exiting The Way I might divide my family; by deserting I'd fulfill a 3-strikes omen I had carried for decades; by exiting I'd be outside God's hedge of protection; by leaving I'd be alone. I didn't know who to trust. Would anybody be safe? Could I find help without succumbing again to manipulation, without succumbing to bitterness and victimization, without falling prey to some false doctrine, without harming my family? I was afraid and confused.

Trust is a huge issue after being involved in a high control group or relationship. One has so much doubt regarding his/her own internal direction. S/he looks to others for guidance; and when that trust is maligned, it can be devastating, confusing, lonely, gut-wrenching, scary. Perhaps black/white thinking plays into that mindset of trust.

Yet in the end, trust is vital; especially trust in oneself, which comes with time and practice. To trust doesn't mean what/who one trusts is perfect; but hopefully there can be forgiveness, openness, and accountability on all sides.

To trust in one's own heart. 'Tis a good thing!


I feel disconnected
from my heart.
It's not the first time
nor the last, I'm sure.
People appear so confident
while I tremble in my shoes
where no one can see my toes.
But I'll keep walking
with a steady pretense
so as not to trip and let them know.

january 14, 2008

January, 2008. I embark upon a new year, new beliefs. I am letting go of 3 decades of believing that the Bible is the inerrant Word of God. It has been a gradual process that is slowly developing into a different outlook on life. To have "known" the absolutes and to then to know no longer, can be disconcerting. Yet, it can also mean freedom.

It is election year and many shout with confidence there opinions. I am not sure of mine, so I stay quiet but composed.