Gnat on a sled...

I am so exhausted...

Limbs, body, brain weakened...

Muscles, hands, fingers tremble...
Soles, palms, crown tender-to-touch...

Caustic comes to mind...

That type of art...

What is it called? 

Just googled it...

Encaustic art...

I had a correct image of the art...

What's that word?

Imprint? 

Like in wax seals...

I used to have a wax seal...

I'd use it sometimes on envelopes...

Sealed with a lick...
And sometimes a kiss...

And then dripped wax with an imprint...

But I can't recall the image inside the circle...

Was it my initials?

Imprint isn't the word I'm searching for...

But it's all I have for now...

The seal left raised ridges...

And lowered dips...

In the dripped wax...

One's finger could rumble... 

Across the small impression...

Ahh, impression! 

Is that the word?

Embossed? 

Yes, embossed...

Or rather embossment...

An itty-bitty, tiny, microscopic gnat could sled...

Up and down the ridges...

Within and around that small, embossed wax disc... 

How does any of that apply to my exhaustion?

Maybe I'll come up with some sort of creative answer...

~*~

Right after I typed this poemish...
Ladybug visited...
She's been around a few days...
And has brought me smiles...
Litte-thing therapy...

It's a blurry picture...

But the blur does depict my trembles...

Filled with purpose...

Potential of the Earth...
Thoughts along the journey...

~*~

This course is bringing meaning to my life of the past ten years...

Years that often felt without purpose...

For seven of those years, I lived with a deep sense of purposelessness...

I wrote about it often...

A nothingness...

Yet, I did feel a sense of purpose through my connections with non-human animals...

Many through my pet-sitting business...

Many through my wildlife encounters...

In 2017 I wrote a blog piece which I entitled Beyond Words...

To swim in her chestnut eyes...2020

The toilet valve incident....2019

Fabio at Grayson Highlands....2017

Fabio's offspringo (perhaps) at Grayson Highlands...2021

Multiple encounters with foxes and deer and raccoon and possums and crows and song birds and squirrels and insects in the back yard....

Multiple deer encounters at Muddy Creek...

Beloved ground hogs and deer along the Ararat River...

The ancient giant cliffs and rocks along the New River Trail...

The ancient New River itself...

The trees...

Nature's beloved trees...

My beloved trees...

And their lessons...

Grandfather Fir at Grayson...

Whom I last visited on October 19th...

Every time an answered prayer...

What has been that answer this time?

The encounter with the dissociation after Unit Two of this course?

And the insight thereafter?

Will that play into my physical healing, this round?

I do not know...

Yet I have seen parallels in my two different chronic illness lives...

The asthma coincided with the stifling of my voice in The Way...

A specific decision pre-happened Asthma's onset...

I can pinpoint it...

The widespread nerve damage developed on the heels of the therapist abuse...

I felt paralyzed, numb, dumfounded after Therapist's initial gaslighting...

A specific decision pre-happened the onset...

The decision to speak up publicly...

A month later, my limbs turned to rubber...

Each chronic illness life is also connected with heavy metal toxicities...

In part, or whole, brought on by medical interventions...

I feel that somehow that is connected to the emotional and psychological...

At the very least, the metals were and are another straw on the camel's back...

I am a skeptic regarding a 'special time' in which we live...

Every pinpoint in time is special...

Eras...

Moment by moment...

Smaller than moments...

However, I do not want to throw out the prophet...

So, I listen and I consider...

I breathe and recall...

Incidents and experiences from my own life...

Encounters...

Spontaneous serendipities... 

Which seem to be the norm these days...

They may have always been...

But I didn't have the willingness to fully recognize them...

Too much static...

So thus far, this course has opened up my realization...

That these past ten years...

Have been filled with purpose...

I had understood how my pet-sitting provided a meaningful service...

But I could not understand how my Nature encounters provided service...

Until now, through this course...

The purpose of re-connecting with Earth...

Of communicating with Her...

With Her creatures in the wild...

With Her rocks and rivers... 

With Her dirt beneath my feet...

With Her plants...

With Her beloved trees...

And even with inanimates...

All of which are initially made from Earth materials...

Nature has hosted me and continues...

And I have hosted Her and continue...

Humans are a part of Nature...

And I think I might be re-learning...

How to host humans...

And to allow them to hosts me...

Deep breath...

That is all for now...

black block

i felt it last night

the pull

the descension

into the jagged black

dense

gray

black block

sharp lines 

like a jagged cityscape

with pointed buildings

tilted

bent

opaque solid

impenetrable 

razor edges

the image flashes on my brain screen

and floats in my brain goo

i observe

scrambled eggs

angst

brain mud

fatigue

floundering

flotsam

What do I need to do 

to help my self through this current?

How did I get here?

oVErLoAd

in the physical

in the mental

in the emotional

in the human relational

in the accommodational

I've gotten out of my element

A foreigner in these matters 

Carol, you've been here so many times before...

easy, easy...

settle, settle...

What do you need to do

to help your self through this current?

remember... 

you don't have to prove any thing to any one...