Thursday, April 9, 2009

Approval No Longer the Master

(note:  language warning)

I despise these fucking standards
Decades fed with perfectionism 
I wish I could simply erase
This god-damned approval addiction

Self-blame a constant resident 
Yet, the guilt does not all lie with me

Perhaps it's within the warped standards
Of a false-sterile society

I've grown to detest sterility
Breeding its disease in secrecy
A playground for deception
Murdering individuality

How do I flee this beguilement
Without loosing a ravenous beast
Whose been chained and finally tastes freedom
With a lusting impulse to feast

Upon the cravings denied it
Once starved of the sense to feel
To allow emancipation
Will its hunger therein be healed

Or this insatiable desire to feed
To express without repression
Will it slay that which it needs
And devour its yearned for companion

Nay, if allowed to follow its longing
The famine put out to pasture
This beast will patiently gentle
Approval no longer the master

april 1, 2007

Unrelenting standards are one of the customary fares in a totalistic group. To the group, appearances are more important than the individual. There is to be no hint of error, else the doctrine might be proven as wrong. There is a sickening air of a sterile, emotionless, humanless culture. Seldom are performed tasks good enough.

This perfectionism can stifle creativity and cause one to fear and box their own expression. It can lead to an incessant strive for approval.

There are duties in life that need great precision, such as a carpenter's saw or the surgeon's scalpel or even an artist's pen. But other tasks in life do not require such. Chairs don't have to be straight nor every bed wrinkle smoothed nor every place setting exactly even.

A few months prior to penning this poem I had discovered For me the site was (and is) like a breath of fresh air! To be able to express myself in a public setting was a remarkable step in recovery. Yes, it was scary (and sometimes still is). At the same time it was (is) liberating: to express and to be able to make mistakes, without fear of constant correction (from myself or others.).

The beast is slowly being gentled. However with its gentling, I'd like to not lose its wild side. :-)

btw: I've tried to find another word besides "sterility" to end the first line of verse three. But alas, I fail to find one I like. Any suggestions are appreciated!


Anonymous said...

Again, your words say the truth!

Image is everything...once my xpastor mentioned in a sermon how " we are called to be perfect!!" you know, like God is perfect so we should strive to be like him. SO much pressure. and of course, the leaders version of God was nothing like mine. He used religious writings to back up his version of god.. picking & choosing from the "sacred writings" & ignoring verses that contradicted his interpretations.

Anyhow, got tired of trying to measure up. I just never could do enough to please the pastor, let alone his god.

I notice you wrote this April 1, 2007...that was around the time we walked away from the cult.

Keep it up girl! Keep speaking your truth I know others really can relate.

April Galamin - Griffiths

Oneperson said...

This was one of my favorites when I penned it. I did change some of the wording for the blog, leaving out the more adult language. I still may tweak it some.

Every person's voice is so very important. That voice includes expression in various, the artist's painbrush, music, words, acts of kindness that no one every knows about.

Thanks April, for helping me to continue to discover my voice.

April 1, 2007...many layers to that date and name of month...

~me :-)

Anonymous said...

I love this unedited version!

Awesome girl!!!

Love ya,
April Galamin Griffiths