December 2, 2017. 2:00 PM
Starbucks on Robinhood Road
~*~*~
Sitting at a table by the window
View of asphalt and CVS
Planted trees in medians
I feel slight tremors in my body
Non-visible to others
My muscles feel weak
Because they are
A healthy body
With well-functioning communication
Might feel this shakiness and weakness
After a hard workout
All I did was get dressed
Drive to Starbucks
Enter the shop
Order and sit down
Life takes a lot of effort
In the weeks two-away from my epidural
Remember when you used to describe your sensations
As you and John would sit conversing?
Those sensations were really bizarre.
How do you feel at this moment, Carol?
Can you describe the sensations?
Shakiness in my left arm
Because I'm using the muscles
Propping my left elbow on the table
Supporting my head which rests in my left palm
Which is spread across my forehead
As I look down at my journal
In which I write with a pen
Using my right hand
In which my fourth and pinky fingers
Always feel asleep
Why do I have to support my head?
Maybe it too is tired.
While sitting
My legs feel only a little weak
With the non-visible shakiness
But once I stand
I'll feel a very tiny earthquake
In my legs
But when I ride my bike
My legs don't tremble
Except when I mount and dismount
While riding my muscles relax
Yet they are working
Pedaling, propelling me forward
Which sounds contradictory
But that is the way it is
My jaws feel slack
As I sit at this table
My brain is sloppy
Maybe this can be a poem?
Or a poemish
Last night and early this morning
As I lay in bed
I felt the ever-present tenderness
In the soles of my feet
In the palms of my hands
I felt the humm-buzzzz
From my knees to my toes
A touch-of-an-ache
Not an ache-ache
I don't feel much emotion
That's what happens in my rough weeks
I will feel blue, frustrated, fatigued
But little passion
Energy is expended upon survival
As the body-mind goes
From one calculated self-care task
To another
There are no energy reserves
To trade for passion
perhaps an autonomic
energy-conservation
strategy
4 comments:
Soaked in every word, all so clear. I AM that person as I read. ~ Marta
Thank you Marta... <3
There with you my friend. There with you. As I read through this I felt a wave of angst. Could I actually sit and go through step by step what pain I'm feeling head to toe, toe to head? Could I write down what pain I'm feeling emotionally, mentally? I could only sense exhaustion but also self-preservation. That autonomic system perhaps saying, 'Look, don't look. At least not right now. Wait. Sometimes it's good to lack emotion/passion.' That's me sometimes. During my most recent massage appointment I told the massage therapist that I wondered "where the F I am?" This sense of not being totally present. Where am I? She responded "It's just as well. Based on how your body feels, the tension, the inflammation (this is what she was encountering during the session) it's just as well." Self-preservation? Maybe. A survival technique? Probably.
<3
'Look, don't look. At least not right now...'
Sounds like survival technique to me.
And to be aware that even though one may be experiencing a type of dissociation and the person recognizes it & is self-aware & present in the given moment...well, they aren't crazy. Speaking more to myself here than anyone else.
I recall the first time I decided to share with Hubby (a few years ago) what I was feeling as we sat eating. Even though he witnessed my symptoms and knew about them, it dawned on my while sitting there, that he probably didn't know what I was feeling at that moment. Because most of my sensations were (are) non-visible while sitting and eating.
And I told him, "This is how it is most all the time. There are always sensations (symptoms). They never go away."
I could share it orally, but there is no way I could have written it all out. Not only the recent years with nerve damage, but from over 15 years ago and the decades of living with asthma, allergies, and all those other symptoms. But the asthma and accompanying symptoms were very visible.
Thanks for being "with me." The same to you Zoe. ((( <3 )))
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