Introspection

5/09/2019.
11:08 PM
Dolphin Beach Club, Daytona Beach Shores, FL

~*~

How do I feel?

Isn't that what Hal asked Dave?
Wasn't the astronaut named Dave?
Is this a question people ask themselves once they become lonely?

[I got distracted by searching for the Hal & Dave conversation.
Didn't find one for "How do you feel, Dave?"
But I didn't look deeply.]

So, how do I feel?

I feel less than.
Insignificant.

Remember in TWI, how I felt that I was the wart on the body of Christ?
I felt that way...
partly because of my shame from quitting the Way Corps,
but more so from the manner in which I quit - AWOL.
I felt that way...
partly because of the doctrine of perfectionism.

So, why now, do I feel like the wart on the body of humanity?
Where is my shame coming from now?

[I wish those people on the deck would get quiet.]

I feel shame for how I handled stuff recently with I-and-a-few-know-whom.
I feel shame for how I've expressed in the past some Way stuff.
I feel shame for some of my conversations, when I'm not genuine.

Hmmm...I think I feel shame for compromising my integrity.

Like when Friend expresses an opinion.
And then ends that opinion with, "Don't you think?"
I really don't like that, now that I think about it.
I feel it is asking more for an agreement.
It's not asking, "What do you think?"
It's a yes or no question.
Of course then, that could turn into a conversation.
Especially if I disagree.
But often I have no desire to discuss a disagreement.

Anyway.
Why don't I write anymore?
I mean paint when I write.
Allow flow and beauty and words that move.
Sensuality.
I am no longer sensual.
There was a time when I was.

My heart isn't moved with...
much of anything.
I feel an indifference.
Is this a phase?
Am I depressed?
Is indifference the result of feeling pointless?

I feel powerless to change the world.
To really have an impact.
And some of that is because of my illness.

Why don't I write anymore?
Painting pictures & scenes.
Is it because I feel I have nothing worthwhile?
Is it because I feel no one listens?

[I wish those people on the deck would shut the fuck up.]

And now I'm criticizing my self for not going down to the deck.
And telling those folks to please lower their voices.
Keep it down.
But hell, I don't want to do that.
Plus, what if they're drunk.
No thanks, I don't want that confrontation.