Bedrock

Parts of my brain feel blank. Missing. Inaccessible.
Do I use proper punctuation, or not?
Not.
I will leave those periods in place, even though the one-word script does not make a sentence.
In the context, those dots provide a pause. For emphasis.

Physically I am faring better.
I actually felt rested after my nap yesterday.
And I feel rested this morning.
Will it last? I do not know.

Perhaps I'm in that place where I feel good enough to start on one of my home projects.
But my fear overrides that impulse, thinking it is just an impulse.
The reality will end up as it always does. I can't follow through, so why begin?
It is a type of action-paralysis.
Lack of confidence in my own decisions, intuitions, opinions.
But I've always suffered from those lacks; have I not?

I waiver on the answer.

That's how my brain feels.
Indecisive. But not choosing is still a choice.
I fake it well.
I remember when Marie was surprised that I lacked confidence.
She said, "No one would know it."
But, oh how I battled.

Remember Carol? How you battled against thinking you were unintelligent?
You still battle it.
Except now, I feel I have less to hold onto.
Is that what this is?


Friday, 10/18/19