Listeners

Journal Entry (adapted), 9/08/20, 1:40 AM

If I just keep writing, will it eventually help me?
Where do I turn when I feel my resources are exhausted?

When I am the broken toy tossed into the reject pile.
When there is no silver lining in the story.
When the heart has become so deadened, it is unable to respond.
When the heart feels a desperation, a silent scream, to which no one, not even the heart's owner, responds.

That is where I am.
And I'm having great difficulty finding a way out.

A dearth. A despondency.
A less than hollowness.
Not even an emptiness.
More like nothing ever existed there before, so there is nothing from which to be empty.
The space always was.

That is what this feels like.

I beg of the invisible-to-my-eye listeners, please, please give me something to hold onto.
Something so I know I'm heard.
I need more.
I need to know I matter.


*~*
And then...
9/08/20, 3:15 PM, just before leaving the house for my 4:00 neurologist appointment to receive Epidural #31:
Hubby hands me a card that had arrived in our mailbox. Normally our mail doesn't arrive until 5:00 PM or so. The card is from a long-distance friend in Chicago, just checking in and letting me know how much I'm valued. She even put a cycling postage stamp on it. (I'd like to get some of those stamps.) The Listeners had perfect timing.

Dark AM

Journal Entry (adapted), 9/08/20, 12:40 AM

God, Universe, Whatever...
Please hear my request
That I can help myself
That I can think clearer
Set some goals and achieve them
Acknowledge what I accomplish
And let my self know how well she does
That she is a caring person
That she does give her all
To the best of her ability in any given moment

On Sunday
She cleaned up the public bathroom at Mt. Mitchell
She picked up trash two different times on two different trails
She only bought one thing: a bag of Cheez-its
She took her own food and cups and water bottles
She thinks of the person that will come after her every day
Who is coming to this place next and to help that place be a blessing
Not only in the immediate, but also for future generations

So, go easy on her
In spite of the good things she does and thinks
She is hard on her self
So, go easy on her

Sunday, she spoke up to the drone-guy at Mt. Mitchell
But then got on herself for not doing it well enough
Instead, think of the fact that she spoke up
And that, if something like that comes up again, how she can do it better

The internet doesn't do it for you anymore Carol
As far as giving you something to let you know you matter
But nature often does
Or happenstance, when you don't go a-clamoring for the attention
Or being something or someone you're not
Or trying to impress but not realizing it until after the fact
Notice those flash thoughts and feelings
And wait before acting on them
Look to John for support
And to the kids
And to a couple friends, selectively

It's now 1:01 AM
I think I'll drink some tea
And turn on the TV