Monday, January 30, 2023

A joy unspeakable...

While we and our loved ones still draw breath, may we remember to let them know how cherished they are.

From a 31-year-old son to his 63-year-old mom...
A text message on May 6, 2022, from Dillingham, AK, to Somewhere, NC...
Shared with permission...

~*~*~

5/06/22

I don’t have any profound words of wisdom or divine revelations. I just know that as your loving son I am compelled to share my love and support with you, Mother.

I’m not sure you realize the joy and passion for life that you have imparted to me. Two nights ago, I drank entirely too much vodka with my friends and stumbled home through the rain to my office. I proceeded to turn on my Bluetooth speaker as loudly as possible and dance my heart out for the better part of an hour. Looking back on that moment, I realize that was your spirit pumping through my veins and expressing itself through my pair of left feet.

It is your spirit that propelled me to the Himalayas, the arctic, and to the far reaches of and into civilization.

It’s your spirit that leads me through the rigors of the intellectual exercises that lend me the peace of knowing what I know, and knowing what I don’t know.

It is your spirit that leads me to tears at the witnessing of the simplest beauties in life and in word.

I know you have suffered far beyond what one ought in this life. That fact breaks my heart. But know that your life and spirit has led to manifold joys whose impacts are still becoming known. Your love and your zest for life will carry on far beyond the length of your life or mine. And only God knows how wide the impact will be.

Know that your joy, your sadness, your triumphs, and your failures have meaning. Not only now, but throughout time. You are loved. You are known. You are my mother. From ear candles to hikes, to uncomfortable political discussions. You are my one and only Mother.

May God bless you.

With all the love a son can muster,

-Son

~*~*~

Son and I had spoken via phone, late afternoon, May 5th.
He asked how I was doing.
(I had been released from the hospital on May 1st after an unexpected 3-night stay for two good-sized blood clots, one in each lung.)
I responded "I'm doing okay. But I think I'm going to cry."
He responded, "It's alright Mom and completely understandable."

The next morning, I awoke to the text message shared above...
Tears rolled...
Feelings of gratitude, humility, that I'd done something right in my life, joy, and so much more....



Friday, January 20, 2023

flickers and fans

candle flame gently flickers
reflects itself in mirror
two flames dance

fan blades rhythmically spin
casting shadows
on the ceiling

flickers and fans
gently calling me
into dream

Wednesday, January 11, 2023

Deer significance...

The deer yesterday
She now runs free
I trust she remains safe

I still see her in my mind's eye
Panic in darkness
I understand panic in darkness

But she runs free now
I made a phone call
That helped save Deer's life

When Mom was at her darkest
And I helped save her life

***

Below is a link to part of the deer story, with video: 

I love how, when the deer runs free, all the humans rejoice!!
Maybe I'll post about the context of incidents sometime. 

Sunday, January 8, 2023

A long time...

Why am I 
prethinking 
so much?

Because of years of living 
with my 
chronic condition

Its widespread symptoms
including side effects
of long-term steroids

Everything, all of it
inside, outside
north, south, east, west

The long history 
of it all
going back decades 

To my first 20-year 
chronic illness life
and to the current 10+-year
chronic illness life

Decades of a waking 
hellish nightmare, but also
of deep gratitude
and mountaintop experiences

So my week 
was another
week of struggle

Probably the most joyful moment
was watching two squirrels
on the back deck while I sat
on the screened-in back porch

They chased each other 
back and forth 
like they were putting on a show
for me

They would stop
and chatter
and start the chase again

Then they scampered 
up the Dr. Seuss tree
and continued their play
or romance or whatever it was

The whole show lasted
around 15 minutes
which is a long time