Disjointed...

I feel disconnected

disjointed

Ahhh...

Is that why my physical joints are so achy? 

Due to my emotional disjointedness?

Or is the emotional due to the physical?

The dance we engage

one mirroring the other

communicating 

as I observe 

as I receive

as I navigate

The current bodily achiness has been 

moaning for four days now

it's a different ache from my norm 

arthritic 

instead of nerve-connective interruption

instead of pulsing tissue

bone and cartilage feel creaky

Bone and cartilage are less fluid than tissue

at least on the outside

but what of the inside

where atoms with nuclei

dance and collide 

shake and bounce

tremor and percuss

making music we cannot hear 

with outside ears

but we feel 

with our inside receptors

This current four-day body ache is a toxic ache

I've asked my self 

Where has it come from?

A few answers have arisen 

in my word and picture thoughts...

I ate badly while on vacation

I ate for taste bud entertainment

I wouldn't overfeed Edward the Explorer

I nurture my bicycles

washing them off

adding the proper oil to their gears

and brakes and joints

What about my vehicle-body?

Why Carol? Why?

I've pushed a lot since August

two week-long trips out of state

riding my bike, exploring

visiting human friends

loving it all

but it takes a toll...

the etymology of the word travel is travail

This current four-day body ache is a toxic ache

I've asked my self 

Where has it come from?

This recent trip I spent a week alone with Hubby

I don't want to admit the disconnection I felt 

it's not really new

but I seemed to have felt it more than I've felt in a while

but that doesn't mean I want to leave him

or that I don't love him

my husband of over 37 years

we have suffered together

we have rejoiced together

we have been one together

we have been two apart

John Lynn died a few days ago

he was well known in The Way

and was a whistleblower back in the late 1980s

I didn't know John well

but he was my Way Corps Coordinator

we did have personal interactions

all of them good

I don't know who will be next

of these past leaders in The Way

The Way shaped so much of my life

I wonder how much it continues to shape...

~*~

september, 27, 2021