I feel the pull
I give in
Staring again at the digital screen
An online community of good, good people
Carol, stop
Do not go down this path
Not for the reasons you do
Connection
Validation
Value
Worth
This screen seldom helps meet any of those needs
Needs
Yes, they are needs
But the online life can't meet them
Where you are
But, I'm humanly alone so often
And I seldom have energy to engage
It comes in bits and spurts
Engagement in 2D, in 3D, with other humans
Carol, what does meet those needs?
Nature
Though I'm more limited than previous years
And I deeply grieve that loss
And I cry
But Carol, think of all the memorable, magical wanderments
And, still they happen
Even with my limitations
Books
The kinds that have paper pages
Is it the tactile experience that helps with the intimacy
Is it the depth of what is shared
Is it the feeling of not having to respond or give it a thumbs up
Rereading
My own ponderings
Reminding me of lived experiences
Reminding me that I'm not unintelligent
Reminding me of how far I've come
Reminding me that I have gained some wisdom
Reminding me of Rilke and to love the questions
Breathing
Recalling the days when breathing was tortuous
Fluid-filled lungs
Wheezing
Struggling for the next breath
Even through my totally blocked nostrils
Carol, you can smell now
You no longer struggle to breathe
And you are still alive after decades of that struggle
Breathing
Going within
Connecting with my Insiders
Inhaling suffering of myself and others
Exhaling compassion and understanding
Music
Lifting me
Moving my heart
Acknowledging that I'm not alone
Rhythm in my body and soul
Singing aloud
Making up my own words
Singing in tongues
Prayer
But not necessarily to a supernatural being
Rather, of gratitude for this great big universe
Its beauty
Its wander
Its beauty
Its wander
And connections I've had over the years
As people and animals come and go in my life
As I go and leave in others'
Okay, composing this little whatever-it-is
Helps
Now, get along to your next
Self-care task
With gratitude for all you've been blessed by and with
And for windows
