Pinhole View: Prose 1

My heart, so heavy.
My heart, so empty.
My well of love, dry.

I look inside.
I look to God.
I look
but my heart remains low.

Where has my passion gone?
Where has my life been thrown?
Where can I find the way?

Father, daily I cry within my heart.
Daily I want to run away.
Daily I feel a desperation.

I know not where to turn.
I know not how to find answers.
My tears fall continually inside.

Will you hold my hand?
Will you manifest what I am to do?
Will you make it clear?

I ask timidly,
with doubt of my every move.

My heart, so very heavy.
My heart, so very sad.
My heart, so very empty.

My soul, flooded with tears.....


judithpiper
june, 2005
__________________

I left The Way in October, 2005, four months after this poem was written. I had found a place to turn.

This poem is Prose 1 of 3. All three parts can be read here:
Pinhole View: A Trilogy

Prose 2 can be read alone here: Pinhole View: Prose 2
Prose 3 can be read alone here: Pinhole View: Prose 3
__________________

"Until Then"

Pristine notes, words of praise
Age-old hymns bestow God's light
The dark-skinned man bellows deep
Sings with all his might

Causing my heart to swell

He sings of endurance
He sings of joy
He sings of pain in the temporal now
He sings of everlasting streets of gold

Causing my tears to roll

Well, is it true O God my Lord?
Will there someday be
This home of peace, of bliss, of joy
A place of forever harmony?

Causing my soul to cry fervently

Surely 'tis true that all shall see
Face to face and eye to eye
Surely 'tis true there'll be a time
All wrongs to be made right

Causing my spirit to yearn

Until that day, O God, I pray
Allow my heart to stay tender
My eyes to see beyond hostility
And never evil for evil to render

Your boundless love, God of Life,
Causing my breast to hope eternal

june 5, 2007
carol welch

~*~
In May 2007, my husband and I watched a televised presentation of the dedication of the Billy Graham Library in Charlotte, North Carolina, USA.  Wintley Phipps sang the hymn Until Then with so much joy and life and exuberance; it was thrilling to watch.

At the time I was deeply struggling with my own beliefs as far as God, the Bible, Jesus Christ, who I was, my marriage...just a lot of things. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I embraced the words coming from what I felt/feel to be a man with a giant heart of grace and love.

Regardless of one's spiritual beliefs, songs like this which bring relief and hope and joy to the soul, can help us each to continue to strive for a better day...now and in the future.

Until Then was a favorite of mine while in The Way.  I recall when Rev. Cummins used to sing it at certain occasions.

Wintley Phipps singing Until Then...

Untitled & Faction

Untitled
~by mightfall

breathe into me

let your soul seep inside a moment

and we'll be together,

somehow.

gather yourself in the rain

and i'll love you there,

outside in the cold velvet night

where only our arms are warm,

where we need us

and us alone.

i want to be trapped in darkness

with only your eyes the light

and our hunger the only air to breathe.

the rain wouldn't stop

i guess it never will

until our fervent touch

drives away obscuring clouds

breathe into me

we have life, laughter, love,

just breathe

****

This untitled piece is not written by me or for me; but hey, what woman wouldn't love this? Perhaps one reason it touches me deeply is due to it's reference to 'breath.'  Breath, which gives life.

When the author, 'mightfall,' requested comment on it, I simply stated words that came to mind, that which I felt.  ~ melding of souls  ~ distance is no factor ~ bond is deeper than any distance can divide ~ same rain falls upon both, yet...together...depths are unfathomable ~ two as one ~ same breath ~ no hunger ~

I first met 'mightfall' (the author's screen name) in December, 2007, on PoetryPages.com.  'Mightfall' has been another instrumental person in helping me sort through my time with and after The Way. We chat online regularly, have spoken on the phone, and visited via webcam.  He loves  his wife, his dogs, his homeland, fast cars, the beauty of life, and more.

Shortly after we met via cyber waves, 'mightfall'  learned that I'd been involved in an abusive religious group.  He had no idea regarding my involvement with GreaseSpotCafe.com  (GSC), the anti-Way online forum,  and the unpleasant manipulative experiences I'd had at GSC. He'd never even heard of GSC.  With the knowledge of my involvement in an abusive religious group; yet without the knowledge of my involvement with GreaseSpotCafe, he penned a quick prose for me entitled...

***

Faction

~by mightfall

They had you in their greasy little palms, didn't they

And they went to squish and mold you like clay

To serve their whims, will, and foul devices

But you are not clay; in their grasp you broke

Like a bird in the too large hands of a too small child

I just wonder, did you keep the pieces in a box,

and if you've a warm and loving home

and some glue?

 He must have been writing via intuitive cyber waves. :-) Ha! His choice of words definitely had my attention, and we've been communicating ever since.

Thanks to mightfall'  for his friendship and wisdom.

Free Me from this Bitterness

****
Sin of lies revealed
Conscience eye left with choices
Denial - hidden reality
Justification - double standard
Exposure - surface truth
What to believe, what to discard
In this world run by lies

What rests beneath these fabrications?
Labyrinths of circumstance
Crossroads of life's decisions
Heartaches of trying to survive
In this world run by lies

The great judge inquires
Eyes filled with deep compassion
His voice resonant with virtue
"What is the plea?"
In this world run by lies

Heart engaged, I search my soul
Honestly I do not know
Some counts guilty
Some counts innocent
In this world run by lies

Poised with sobered kindness
Timbre rich with mercy
Gently smiling he replies
"I understand, I've walked the path"
In this world run by lies

His tender grace floods the soul
Cleansing streams cascade my cheeks
He carefully atones each stain-filled tear
Absorbing the bitterness in my heart
Boundless bowels of forgiveness
The only exit
In this world run by lies

july 19, 2007
carol welch

****

Within a few months after leaving The Way, I got involved with an ex-Way online forum, Greasespot Cafe (GSC). It was a scary step, to post on that forum. I had never in my life posted anything on the web. (That sure has changed now. Ha! )

GSC was helpful for me. I was able to read about others' experiences, connect with long time friends from decades previous, read about the side of The Way that The Way kept (keeps) hidden from its followers, decompress and share some of my own emotional upheavals, and more. It was the first place I began to have a voice.

As time went on I began to feel that perhaps some of the same black/white thinking, us/them mentality was prevalent at GSC as was in The Way. I would push those kinds of thoughts aside, after all this was an ex-Way forum.

Close to a year with my involvement on the forum, I had a major disagreement with the administrator. I also began to learn of another side of GSC. A web of toxic relationships, censorship, and even scapegoating began to emerge. At 1-1/2 years of involvement with the forum, I found myself caught in the web. The experience was painful (an understatement) and I realized that the GSC forum was no longer an emotionally safe place for me in which to participate. Was I wrong? Was I right? What were my thoughts? Was I deceived again? Was I a perpetrator? Was I lying? What was true, what wasn't true? I had thought this was supposed to be a place of support for me after exiting The Way.

There were many layers and more than one answer to all my doubts, questions, internal turmoil.

One GSC member in particular caught within a GSC web, I felt was a victim and a perpetrator. I felt anger and at the same time compassion. I felt for the individual trying to put myself in their shoes.

Thus this poem was born.

Maybe someday the relationships I had there can/will be healed. I just don't know how to approach them yet; I still feel unsafe, except perhaps at a distance.

For me the only out is acknowledgment and forgiveness.

Otherwise a bitterness can devour the soul, again murdering the heart.

***